where do i start?

so, right now i'm sitting in my porch swing in my lovely (FENCED IN! Go DAN!) back yard. i'm listening to the birds, fighting mosquitos and just generally enjoying my afternoon. every now and then i look up and see a fake deer in the yard and i smile to myself. my sweet husband is becoming a deer hunter and my dad thought he really needed something to practice with. dan says that it would make a great reindeer at Christmas time. (i'm not so sure... considering the bulls-eye with all the holes in it on it's side. poor thing. )

{my bow-hunting husband! i'm so proud. seriously! and check out that fence!}

the rest of my sweet family is inside sleeping. good ole sunday naps. we just got home from my grandma's house a few minutes ago. we had hamburgers with the fixins, a great selection of desserts and good conversation. that place is so peaceful. like a little taste of heaven.

{sophie loves to wear her hate like this. }

my life changed quite a bit this week. i went back to work. "working 9-5... " well, more like 9-1 about 4 days a week. my dad called me on monday because our family's business had lost their receptionist and needed some fill in work. it turns out we had a new one by the next day, but there is still quite a bit of extra work to be done. so... it all happened pretty fast, but i feel good about it. daniel and i have praying for an opportunity to make some extra money and this is a near perfect set-up. my mom (lisa) has GENEROUSLY decided to keep the girls for the 4 hrs that i work for at least 3 of the days and then the other day is split between mom (jackie) and ma ma ma. the girls and i still have to work out a few kinks in our schedule, but over all we are doing pretty good at getting up and around in the morning. i'm hoping i can find my groove at the airport soon and be a help there. my parents live about 100 ft. from there so i can be there in a minute if grace needs her momma. i will definitely continue to nurse her. needless to say, i have been a tired girl this weekend.

i feel like i'm rambling... i guess i just feel like i have so much to post about and i'm so behind on reporting on pictures, events, family news, recipes, etc... and i'm wondering why i feel so drained in the -bloggy-world. i love blogging and i have for years. i crave comments like i crave dr. pepper (and ya'll know that can get pretty intense). i guess when they don't come i feel a hint of rejection. silly, i know. but this thing is powerful. i read a really great post last night about blogging and computer use in general for women and it really convicted me. i want blogging to be a hobby, a creative outlet, and opportunity to meet other women in balance. i certainly don't want it to pull me from my Savior, my husband, my children, or my home. (here is another very thought-provoking post that i read months ago. the last full paragraph really stuck with me.)

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(here is where my computer died for no reason and i got back to this post 5 hrs. later...

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balance. being Spirit-led and not Jennifer- led. i guess that's what i'm after. how that plays out in my life is what i've got to figure out. the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. i want this fruit growing in my life! not laziness, apathy, self-centeredness, self-consciousness, self-righteousness, pride, fear, rejection, ect. ick!
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i just finished nursing gracie to sleep. i watched her sweet little face for a long time. she had her chubby little les folded in a cute way and her little fingers where just so soft and cute. her face is beautiful... long eyelashes, perfect, round features. her baby hair was wet from her sweat and it curled up so cute. i just wanted to take it all in. i don't ever want to forget how she looks and feels in my arms right now. i want to embrace this season of my life because one day very soon it will be over and she won't be a baby any more. i just don't want to lose the wonder.

{grace right after a nap munching on some zwieback toast. such a sweet heart!}

so, i guess that's where i am. i'm sure none of this has made any sense to anyone other than myself, but i'm still glad i wrote it. i will definitely continue to blog. i just need to hear from Him on how to go about it. as i do with everything in my life. sometimes it's easy to take the reins of imy life back and ride for a while.... a rocky and bumpy road. He said His yoke is easy and His burden is light and that i would find rest for my soul. i definitely want Him to hold the reins of my life as I move under His yoke.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay any-thing heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you'll learn how to live freely and lightly. " - Jesus (Matthew 11 from The Message)

good stuff. don't you think? i am loving reading from The Message lately. so refreshing.

i guess i better get myself to bed. i am a working girl now. :)

{me and the girls before church this morning. we were running ahead of schedule for once! :)}

faith is the courage to accept acceptance ~ b. manning

{my dad and i- father's day 2008}

i feel like i need to address what i wrote about last night. i just want my parents to know that I love them so very much and i am so thankful to be their daughter. the support they have given me and daniel is amazing. one example is how they (and our entire family) rallied around daniel and i in a phenomenal way after gracie was born and we were all rushed to the NICU. they all stepped up, coordinated, took care of our needs, provided us a hotel, food, encouraging gifts, took care of sophie, spent time with gracie when we couldn't be there, encouraged, prayed for, cried with us, cleaned for us, and the list goes on and on. we have been so blessed to have a family that is not afraid to love deeply.

i'm learning something the hard way. parents aren't perfect. how humbling. whether they don't know the Lord or whether they seek Him with their lives, they aren't perfect. because they are human. they will mess up. gosh. i. mess. up. everyday. i pray for mercy every single day as i endeavour to love, nurture, train, and discipline my girls.

there is only ONE perfect Parent. He is a perfect Father. He loves unconditionally, His patience never runs out, His love never fails, His timing is perfect. His plans are perfect. His discipline in perfect. He is never selfish. He is never rude. He is the only Holy One.

That He seeks to pursue us, to love us, to never, ever give up on us is amazing. Amazing love.

My part, our part is to truly accept this Love, this Forgiveness, and to Trust, to Rely On HIM, to Surrender. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. My identity comes from Him. My acceptance comes from Him. Not from my parents, my husband, my family, or my friends. If I am depending solely on them for acceptance, approval, and unconditional love then I will never be satisfied. I will never feel whole. My wholeness lies solely in the one who created me. The one who breathed life into me. The one who dreamed my life from before the foundations of the earth.

As our speaker at church said this morning, "Don't treat God the way the world is treating us." He gets blamed for so much and the truth is we are in the middle of a battle. The Lover of our Souls vs the enemy of our souls and we are the "trophies" to be won in the war. He is the giver of all good things and oh the plans He has for us.... if we were to recount them they would be too wonderful to tell!

Jesus, I love You. Light the fire once again. Teach us the true heart of a parent.

Family, I love you. Thank you.

Friends. Ya'll are the best. Thanks for listening and letting me preach a little. :)

{better get to bed. i'm in a good ole hampton inn king size bed. sleeping in tomorrow. wooo hooo!}

quiet house

tonight it's quiet. everyone is sleeping and i'm sitting here thinking, reading, making lists. its been a good day/weekend, but for some reason i feel emotionally exhausted. decisions to make, a challenging afternoon with my almost 3 yr old, feeling like i disappoint people, feeling torn.... i'm not sure why even the simplest of decisions are so difficult for me to make sometimes (all the time)? it's like i am always struggling with all the pros/cons to make sure that i am making the 100% best decision and that i am not going to disappoint anyone (primarily dan, mom, dad, other family, etc). i have dealt with this my whole life. my parents were divorced when i was two and although they really did try to make it easy for my sister and i (no court appointed custody, child support, etc), i still became (at least felt like) the go-between. the one in the middle. the one who had to reconcile both sides. two sides that often had different ideas on even the most basic things (i.e. when/where to meet, visit lengths, etc). i love my parents both so very much and i have always tried to please them individually which has sometimes been hard. i know that God is my Master and that the most important thing is to please Him... not others. i do try so hard though and i am definitely addicted to people's approval. what a mess i am! thank You, Jesus for your love and mercy. i so want to walk in peace, freedom and joy and to keep my eyes on YOU and not myself. teach me how to live this out day to day. {all that said, i think i am learning that every decision isn't life and death. sometimes either way is ok and that if i make a bad decision it will be ok...also, my parents are great! the Lord has done/is doing a great work in their lives and i am so blessed to have all of my parents. :)}

enough about that. the girls were so sweet at bed time tonight. sophie was EXHAUSTED from a long day of playing hard at the park and at the fair (with her daddy & papa). she was being a stinker tonight and i was happy to finally get her in bed. we started to pray and she reminded me of her sore finger. i held her hand and started praying for her. she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep covered in love and blessings. gracie b. stayed home with mommy & junie tonight and after dinner she nursed for an entire hour! at bedtime she was wide awake. she finally started waning at about 10 after fighting it pretty hard. i laid her in her bed on her tummy and rubbed her back as she slowly tossed her head back and forth and drifted off to sleep. sweet, sweet baby girls.

tomorrow we'll head to church, say good bye to junie and head to NWA for the holiday. i'm looking forward to spending time with the whole family as well as meeting a certain boy who is apparently pretty sweet on my little sis! :)

ps- thanks, for all "the fridge" comments. who knew it would be such a hot topic! *wink*