Saturday, August 30, 2008

quiet house

tonight it's quiet. everyone is sleeping and i'm sitting here thinking, reading, making lists. its been a good day/weekend, but for some reason i feel emotionally exhausted. decisions to make, a challenging afternoon with my almost 3 yr old, feeling like i disappoint people, feeling torn.... i'm not sure why even the simplest of decisions are so difficult for me to make sometimes (all the time)? it's like i am always struggling with all the pros/cons to make sure that i am making the 100% best decision and that i am not going to disappoint anyone (primarily dan, mom, dad, other family, etc). i have dealt with this my whole life. my parents were divorced when i was two and although they really did try to make it easy for my sister and i (no court appointed custody, child support, etc), i still became (at least felt like) the go-between. the one in the middle. the one who had to reconcile both sides. two sides that often had different ideas on even the most basic things (i.e. when/where to meet, visit lengths, etc). i love my parents both so very much and i have always tried to please them individually which has sometimes been hard. i know that God is my Master and that the most important thing is to please Him... not others. i do try so hard though and i am definitely addicted to people's approval. what a mess i am! thank You, Jesus for your love and mercy. i so want to walk in peace, freedom and joy and to keep my eyes on YOU and not myself. teach me how to live this out day to day. {all that said, i think i am learning that every decision isn't life and death. sometimes either way is ok and that if i make a bad decision it will be ok...also, my parents are great! the Lord has done/is doing a great work in their lives and i am so blessed to have all of my parents. :)}

enough about that. the girls were so sweet at bed time tonight. sophie was EXHAUSTED from a long day of playing hard at the park and at the fair (with her daddy & papa). she was being a stinker tonight and i was happy to finally get her in bed. we started to pray and she reminded me of her sore finger. i held her hand and started praying for her. she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep covered in love and blessings. gracie b. stayed home with mommy & junie tonight and after dinner she nursed for an entire hour! at bedtime she was wide awake. she finally started waning at about 10 after fighting it pretty hard. i laid her in her bed on her tummy and rubbed her back as she slowly tossed her head back and forth and drifted off to sleep. sweet, sweet baby girls.

tomorrow we'll head to church, say good bye to junie and head to NWA for the holiday. i'm looking forward to spending time with the whole family as well as meeting a certain boy who is apparently pretty sweet on my little sis! :)

ps- thanks, for all "the fridge" comments. who knew it would be such a hot topic! *wink*

2 comments:

Kara said...

my heart breaks for you jenn....and for my haven...thank you for praying for her in so many ways....

lawana said...

Jennifier true as parents we do make mistakes and even as single human beings - we do things that has a ripple effect on others - that's why God's grace is so important - remember He is your perfect parent and best Friend who will always love you no matter what (even if you have a messy fridge) and you are VERY fortunate to have had parents that can get along all these years even with their differences! You are truly blessed and so is your family, friends, and children for having YOU!!
lawana